it’s been a long long time

I know that it has been awhile since my last blog post. A lot has happened since then ~ I flew from Vegas to Seattle with my dog, and had great relief upon return.

Unfortunately shortly after I was hospitalized, and I am finally feeling better. Being admitted to the hospital was a very humbling experience. I was reminded that we are all temporarily able bodied. I looked like a young, and healthy person. I did not want to take any space from the other patients I was near. There were 2 other patients that had suicidal ideations, and had sitters. I am not used to taking up space, and advocating for my own needs. Being a companion had definitely taught me the importance of being direct, clear, and having boundaries thought about prior to an experience. The experience was very traumatizing. My hands are still bruised from the blood draw. My IV lines are itching.

I had a falling out with close friends of mine because they were worried about me being hospitalized. They were asking a lot of questions, wanted information, and had lots of valid medical knowledge. Being in pain, a new experience, and on strong pain killers I know I wasn’t my best self. My friends said very harsh cruel things to me like “you’re being an asshole” “being passive aggressive” “don’t @ me suffer alone” “grow up.” I feel like those are not the sentiment to tell someone you care about who is in the hospital?

I can move, and go through most of the day without crying in pain. I can’t fully laugh, but still trying to catch a smile when I can.

I have been cleaning non-stop since exiting the hospital. Must be a trauma response. I want to control my environment, and clean because the hospital was so dirty.

One thing about the hospital is I started watching, What We Do in the Shadows, which is the fantasy humorous escape I needed in that moment.

I am ready to heal. I am ready to feel normal in my body again. I am ready to be ravished. I open to the the experiences, and energy I put out into the universe. Money flows to me, and to those around me that need money to survive, and take care of their loved ones.

xx,