Back 2 reality

I haven’t written a blog post in over a month which is embarrassing. I get fixated + obsessed with an idea, someone, or activity. Then I forget about my obsession. I am surprised that I am still interested in being a companion sometimes. I wonder if I will even last a year. I am going to continue doing my blog posts, and mental health journal because fuck it. I have not been feeling like my best stuff, and I need to decompress somehow.

Today’s prompt: What activity with others keeps you completely engaged and feeling happy after you have done it? Describe why it brings you so much happiness.

Response: what a very interesting question! Previously I would have said reading (but I have not been reading much lately), going to pilates, dancing at shows, and eating. I had a rather disgruntling day + I am being an ungrateful brat. I am going to is reasons why I am grateful for:

~ my dog

~ my partner

~ wifi

~ my mind

~ my friends and community

~ I have a plethora of things, people, and experiences to be thankful for but I often get trapped in my mind. I need to be gentle with myself, take deep breaths, and remember that no feeling is final. There are no such things as mistakes only learning experiences.

I have started changing my medications in April, and had to wait until June, and now the end of July to meet up with my medication provider. Gaps in medication appointment with a provider is the reality of the mental health system due to insurance, and lack of providers available. I have good health insurance too! My mind has been sort of wandering ~ I can’t focus, and everything makes me cry. I am in tune with my emotions, even happy joyful things makes me cry. My medication changes have made me very tired. Upon waking up I still feel tired, and sometimes find it difficult to stay awake during the day. On top of that my psych provider wanted me to get of my ADHD medication because they were concerned about my heart based on when I was hospitalized. So now I am cannot stay awake, cannot focus, and forgetting stuff. I don’t feel on top of my day, and just want to lay around and sleep all day.

In my teens and 20s I was always on the grind, working more than one job, commuting, and/or going to school full-time. I didn’t have the time nor the resources to be introspective. Now I am all introspective I am spinning my own wheels when I need to learn to just be, exist how I am.

I know I am not supposed to say this but I want to go off my medications to have a taste of what it would feel like to be without all the medications. I know the people close to me in my life would disagree because they are worried about my mental health. I know I am not alone, and I have an entire community rooting for me but fuck I feel so alone. Loneliness is my default setting. Now that I can distinguish my social anxiety, the social anxiety is pervasive, festering, and I want to remove myself from any situation that is unknown. Again it is all embarrassing.

I deleted social media off my phone + I need to get back into the groove, of taking Odie out on walks, reading, and focusing on a single task instead of getting distracted. FUCK I realize it might be because I haven’t been taking my ADHD medication. I also am finding that I am easily irritated since getting off my ADHD medication. Maybe it is because I am experiencing burnout more?

Tomorrow is another day, and I have processed that most of life is showing up. I am going to show up tomorrow, and not let the worries of today further distract me.

xx,