I am feeling understimulated
Today’s prompt: Share 3 of your favorite memories of times spent with friends or loved ones. Why are these memories special to you?
1) When I went to the Puyallup Fair with my dad + my partner. We had scones + watched Lindsey Stirling perform.
2) Going on the banana boat with my extended family + partner in Guam. I saw dolphins + was in the sun with the elders, my partner, my mom, and my younger cousins. I am used to being around a large multi-generational family. I often feel lonely as an adult living with my partner and dog.
3) I like staying at home with my platonic life partners, going to the grocery store, running errands, seeing the horses at the barn, cooking dinner together, and spending time in the pool. I just love quality time and acts of service. My love language are all the languages because I am so needy + desperate to be loved. I feel quite pathetic sometimes.
I am feeling quite pathetic now. I haven’t been working out, feeling understimulated, and I finished reading Light Bringer. Now I feel like there is no direction in my life and I don’t know what to do with all my energy, anxieties + thoughts. I usually go to Pilates multiple times a week but I am not a morning person (I can’t sleep without someone next to me ~ my partner or my dog), my partner stays up late and wakes me up when he gets into bed, and I used to go to pilates in the afternoon but work has been so busy I haven’t been able to do it. 3 people have been gone from my team for multiple weeks, and I work later in the evening. There are no pilates classes when I get off work. I am thinking about changing studios to one closer to my house that I do not need to go on the freeway to go to. But I have to wait until the end of the month so that I can cancel my membership at my current studio. I know these are not real problems but I am like a thoroughbred. I have a lot pent up energy, and I need to release it through physical exertion.
Back to reading I have tried to hold myself accountable to not purchasing new books until I have read the countless books on my bookshelf that have remained unread. I should remember that I have been going through medication changes since April, it’s now August. I have been fucking up my brain chemistry and I need to be gentle with myself.
Old Talia would try to eat an edible and disassociate or have rando sex with someone off tinder. But I am trying to sit in the uncomfortable feelings. Hence, why I am writing this blog. I hate not looking forward to things. I hate feeling unstimulated. I hate feeling trapped in my own mind. I am glad that I wrote this blog. I am going to write things I am grateful for so that I do not go into this vicious cycle of negative self-talk.
I love that I am curious. I love that I have individuals and my dog that I love. I love that I can take a shower, and wash my feet whenever I want to. I love my chubby little sexy lump aka my dog who is barking right now testing my every nerve. I love that I am poly. I love that I am childless. I love that I can do things to make myself feel free. I love that I have health insurance + have access to the medications I need to survive (not just the mental illness medications but also the diabetic/high blood pressure medications).
No feeling is final + this moment will pass. I really need to start working out again. I will but I am going to sit in this moment for now. I was hospitalized and have been going through medication changes.
xx,