Check list for urself
Today’s prompt: List three activities to take care of yourself. Which ones do you do at least 3x a week.
1) I take my medication everyday 3-4x a day. Keeping myself alive takes a lot of effort. I have diabetes, high blood pressure, and mood disorder medications. Sometimes I want to go off my meds but I know that would be frowned upon. I go to the doctor’s frequently and go to therapy too. Seriously it is so exhausting. Taking my medication may seem like the bare minimum but for me it isn’t.
2) No personal social media (facebook or instagram. I have tiktok for fun but don’t really post). I know that I have X for my work personality and to prove I am not a scammer. I also have reddit for research on things/events I am going to as well as the SWonly community. Prior to covid I wasn’t on social media a lot, and I haven’t really been back since COVID. Social media makes me want to kill myself. I compare myself to others and wonder why I can’t have the lives of those I see online. Social media is not good for my mental health and I would much rather be playing Civ, reading a book, watching tv, or listening to music/a podcast.
3) I take deep breaths to ground myself. I have C-PTSD and being in my body and not dissociating is hard for me. Prior to getting my tonsillectomy, deviated septum correction, and turbinate reduction I could barely breath. I had chronic strep throat, my tonsils touched together and tbh I gave great head because there literally wasn’t any room in my esophagus. My entire life I thought I was fat, lazy and terrible at cardio. Turns out I couldn’t breath. When I take deep breaths I calm myself down, and am conscious of my body.
Things I should do more than 3 times a week ~
I used to work out frequently but after being hospitalized I took it easy, went to a lot of music festivals before and after (Coachella, EDC Vegas, was supposed to go to Beyond Wonderland (glad I missed the shooting) + Day Trip (I didn’t go because I had a bad shroomie trip and interractions with my new medications), I went to Outside Lands, and went to Bass Canyon last weekend).
I went to pilates for the first time in a long time today (at 7AM even) and I feel so much better. Summer has just been so busy, and I have been going through medication changes since April. I am getting ansy and am worried that there is something fundamentally wrong with my brain and myself. Is my baseline simply unhappy? I am on a new medication hydroxyzine that helps me sleep. I don’t even need to take unisom anymore. Sleep is critical to overall mental health.
I have come to the realization that most of list is maintenance. Being an adult is fucking exhausting. I really don’t know how people have full-time jobs, marriages, home ownerships, and raise children.
Don’t get me wrong I love children. I have cared for hundreds of children during the worst time of their lives. I know how to change diapers, clean bathrooms, serve dinner, take kids to the doctors, attend school meetings, read stories, take them to the movies, the zoo, and the beach (I had taken many kids their first time to the beach, shopping, baking and the movies. Even celebrated their first birthdays and holidays while not in their parents’ care). But fuck they are so needy. I can barely take care of myself.
I am tearing up while writing this because life is cruel and unfair to so many people. Most people don’t even have a fucking chance. I know I am the exception, my younger sister (we have the same mother and grew up in the same home) uses I am pretty sure fentanyl and doesn’t have custody of her children. Whenever I beat myself up I reflect that I could have easily been my sister. But for some random reason I am not. I get to live the life of my dreams ~ I am pretty sure I am the first not a teen mom on my mother’s side (my mom and maternal grandmother were all teen moms who got pregnant out of wedlock).
I also need to write my blog more as it is a mental health journal AKA this blog post. I have thoughts whirling around in my head and I need to disperse them somewhere. I feel I would combust from keeping them in my head. I have contemplated stand-up comedy or writing a memoir but I don’t have a public humiliation kink and as I have gotten older I don’t want people in my business like that. I like protecting my peace and the idea that I choose who I get to spend my time with.
For example ~ if someone doesn’t have all the information I require in my ads in the initial message they send my I don’t even bother responding. I totally understand how some providers engage with disrespectful humans. I am lucky that being a provider isn’t my primary source of income. I ignore texts, phone calls, and weird emails. I just don’t have time for that nonsense.