Happy space?

Today’s prompt: Having a designated fun time place or corner at home can help improve your mood. How can you make this space special for you?

I did make myself a happy corner with my altar, all my books, and my moss carpet. However, a young person I know is experiencing homelessness and I am letting her stay in my home. It’s cramped and I miss being naked all the time. I can’t let her be homeless and fucked.

I did entirely too many things this weekend. I don’t feel quite as tired as I did last weekend after Bass Canyon. The smoke was terrible in central Washington.

I hung out with my friend who moved to the bay on Friday. We got tacos and drove around. I miss him a lot.

Friday night I also hooked up with my newest sexual recreational partner and honestly fuck that dude. He has a thick huge cock and sex is fine (LOL lies it’s nice to be stuffed and it’s so embarrassing that I like it) but he just got out of a long term relationship. We have been hooking up casually for about a year. I asked him if he would be open to more than casual last November but he said he didn’t have the bandwidth. My idea of less than casual is spending time together but not even very often. I would like to find a partner where when we are together it is quality time and feeling open to share how we feel without it being a huge ordeal/awkward. I am a big fan of comet relationships where we see each other 1-4 times a year. I have a fulfilled life with many intimate relationships. I do feel I am polyamorous. I don’t need someone to be my everything but to add to my life. Since I started being a companion in January 2023 I haven’t had any new play partners outside of work and I don’t know how to navigate that. I used to hook up for fun and for variety but I do get that from clients. I do have fun and derive pleasure from clients.

Anyhow big thick cock dude moved into a new apartment and has this really sweet jetted tub. I said I would like to take a bath in his tub either with or without him I am open to either the following day (Saturday). He has not responded yet and it’s Monday. I feel quite embarrassed and dumb AF. I shouldn’t feel dumb about telling or asking people what I want. I don’t have to be nice and I don’t owe people anything. I am a 30 year old woman and if I am going to be intimate with someone for free (vomits) and suck mad dick I could at least ask to take a bath in his super swanky bath tub.

Now it’s Venus and Mercury retrograde. He is emotionally unavailable and on the rebound. I did flake on him when we first met and ghosted him for about a month or two (like I said I am not asking to be attached at the hip but to be friends with someone I hopefully have bomb ass sex with).

My longest sexual partner duration wise (let’s call him JD) is someone I have been seeing since 2018? We have never done anything m outside the bedroom. He also has a huge thick cock (unfortunately). We have tried to text and be friends but JD messaged me that I am a nice person but he couldn’t give me what I was asking for. Though he did message me later that he needed a slut to sit on his cock and then we fucked again. They always come back and is it because I am so good in bed and casual about it? 

Since I started being a companion, recreational casual encounters are meaningless. When I first started being sexually actively I felt I needed to be perfect and not complain at all in order to attract a partner. Now I realize how absurd that is. I was walked like a dog. I was easy pickings. I have a better understanding of what I require from a relationship and how I can feel comfortable.  I have been craving intimacy as I am getting older. With my nested partner we have sex but it was never carnal or lustful. He had a normal childhood and I have tried sabotaging our relationship endlessly. I used to have such fun physical encounters but I was young and stupid. I eroticized rejection and felt I needed to chase someone. I hurt myself over and over. The sex was good because it was toxic and got me excited. I knew whomever I was going to be with wouldn’t give me butterflies and butterflies in my tummy were a bad idea. 

I am worried I am never going to have passionate sex again. Because I have put in the work and everyone is so boring compared to my nesting partner and my clients. Seriously being a companion has raised my boundaries and expectations of anyone who shares my space. I ignore anyone who doesn’t follow my directions to a T. I don’t have time for that. 

I am hoping there is still excitement for me out there. The asshole who didn’t message me back said the way I am feeling is the reason why people should not do what they love. However, men don’t feel bad asking women for sex so why should women feel bad about asking men for money/stability/comfort? Women are expensive, everyone fucking knows that! Anyways I am glad that I wrote this blog. I have been obsessing over the lack of response but I refuse to not take this as a learning experience. It’s just because that motherfucker has a huge thick cock. Those bitches always act like they are god’s gift to the earth. I am not even a size queen and tbh when he fucks me from behind I feel his cock in my asshole it’s so deep. *tears*