habits of happiness

Today’s prompt: Forming habits of happiness takes effort and practice. What habits can you start today to make your self happier?

Sometimes I feel I will never be happy and there is something wrong with my brain. I am easily irritable and find it difficult to control my emotions. I would describe my irritability as follows ~ I focus more on taking care of others that I ignore my own needs and then I have a meltdown. I also have been rather depressed lately and spend most of my days in bed. I am scrolling on TikTok, reading, sleeping, listening to music and podcasts, having sex and masturbating. My bad is my happy place. The hours pass and I am trapped inside my mind.

I have been going through medication changes since April and I am worried that no matter what medication I will still feel onery, bratty and cranky. I feel so fucking stupid because I know why I have poor self image, and anxiety because my mom wasn’t emotionally nurturing and hug me enough. I have been in therapy since 2016, had my undergraduate and masters degrees, I am in a loving partner, a lovely dog, fulfilling intimate relationships, and I remain miserable.

I asked the people in my life what they dreamt of being when they grew up. One of my friends said powerful and successful and they contemplated in detail what successful and powerful looked like to them. My partner said he new at an early age he wanted to be an accountable, he liked having his own space in a cubicle despite the noise pollution of working in an office. When I thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up I wanted to escape (go to college or fall madly in love with someone who would save me) and be left alone. Growing up and being no one’s favorite person is such a terrible feeling. I wanted someone to love me deeply and understand me. I know that I need to cultivate that relationship with myself which is what I am doing.

I attempt to build habits of happiness. I have been going to pilates the last two weeks (also in preparation for my photoshoot later this month). I am trying to drink more water. I went to the dentist last week. I go to the chiropractor and acupuncturist. I haven’t been on social media as much, removing twitter from my personal phone and having it only on my work phone helps. I have been reading. I write this blog. I take deep breaths. I take my medications even though I feel they aren’t working. I haven’t been drinking or doing psychedelics. Mostly edibles and smoking weed when I feel up to it. I sleep which is such a big accomplishment. I used to not sleep for days while I was in school full time and working 30+ hours a week. Sometimes I wonder if I am making up for all the hours of sleep I missed in my late teens and early 20s.

I am listening to James Brown sing Try Me on a live set of his on youtube. “I need you.” I listened to melancholic music growing up about longing and regret. Chamorro music is akin to country music, growing up poor, disappointing your mom, being in jail, and the burden of having a broken heart.

I try to listen to new music and create new experiences for my brain. Another habit of happiness I want to incorporate into my life.

I honestly believe choosing happiness is a choice but fuck am I depressed. I can be who I am, feel what I am feeling and I shouldn’t feel the burden or guilt to live for others. When I do things solely for myself I feel selfish and human. But no one asked me to be perfect that is an expectation and pressure I put on myself in order to please others and succeed when the cards were stacked against me. I tell younger women that there is nothing more bitter than a woman who never put herself first. I don’t want to be that woman. Choosing myself over everyone else isn’t selfish. Being a provider really showed me it is about having expectations on what it looks like to spend time with me. I am special and have a lot to offer. I am sensitive, soft, and kind. I want to share my time and energy with people who know how to treat me appropriately. Then I can be myself and have fun without inhibitions.

Finally back to James Brown I feel scammed that I wasn’t alive when performers had full bands with them. I would’ve loved the Apollo and the Copacabana back in the day. I will try to write another blog post in the next two or three days. I feel better after I write a blog post.

xx,

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Happy space?