how to implement changes, if I even desire to (¬‿¬) *hehe*

Prompt today: reflecting on the prompt before (see ch-ch-ch-ch-changes blog post on 2.28.23 which was spending less money, and having a better sleep schedule) how can I implement those changes, and what can I do to implement those changes?

I finished watching some of the season 4 Greed Island arc of hunter x hunter. I am currently watching it with my nested partner, and I tend to watch television without them (I can marathon, and they cannot). I am trying my hardest not to watch ahead, it is fucking hard. I keep trying to find another anime to watch (such as One Piece), but I cannot get into them as much as I love hunter x hunter. When I have an obsession, or fixation I cannot stop thinking about it until I feel tired, bored, or exhausted from that pursuit.

I was supposed to have a recreational play date with a partner who helped me understand my pleasure, and how to receive it. I was a little disappointed to not have anything lined up (recreationally, or not). Now it’s 11:32 pm, and I am up late writing my blog. I prefer writing late at night, as a self-proclaimed night owl/person running on demon time (10pm to 6am). Late night is my me time, and otherwise known as “revenge bedtime procrastination (RBP),” or bedtime procrastination” RBP is common in folks with ADHD who want to get revenge from their busy daytime schedule by sacrificing sleep for me or leisurely time (Starkman). And for me ain’t that the damn truth! I have always said that I would rather have sex, than eat, or sleep (I had to look up whether to use than, or then. I do it every time * crying/laughing *). I want to live a life of pleasure, and fun. For me, at this moment in my life, that is having sex, exploring everything that peaks my interests and curiosities, and spending money.

Prior and during the writing of this blog post I was watching Ali Wong’s stand up comedy special, Don Wong. I recall when the comedy special initially was released my platonic life partners (PLP) shared I would love the special. Once I was able to enjoy the special I understood why. She shares that monogamy is jail, and she fantasizes about cheating on her husband. Growing up I never dreamed of getting married, or having children. I wanted to go to law school, have fun, and be like Elle Woods from Legally Blonde. However, post undergrad (22 or 23 years old about 2016) I started therapy for the first time, and my therapist told me she felt having a child would fill the hole inside me. Basically, that I would have something to focus all my attention on. Shortly afterwards I started having sex for the first time. I probably shared this before, but I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 23. I blame being thicker in the PNW during the indie sleaze scene of the 2010s, autism, or the ADHD.

Anyways, I sort of became fixated with dating, finding a stable life partner, and trying someone to complete me. I kept on trying to find meaning, or myself in my partners. Those actions, and pleas for intimacy was brutal. I used to prioritize randos from Tinder/OKcupid/Hinge/Feeld, etc over my friends. I would have friends sit in the car in front of some motherfucker’s apartment, or drop me off while I got dicked down (mediocre sex at that). I wasted so many hours, energy, hope, and money on men who didn’t even like me/took me seriously. Now with the hindsight, I reflect I was pretty fucking delusional, and got caught up in the scam that is getting married, being monogamous, having children, and going out to pasture to die. My friends would constantly tell me, “You don’t want a kid with type of life you live.” Basically, going whatever I want, whenever I want, with whomever I want, having great sex, and hanging out with all my friends. Doing things that I find interesting. Those bitches were right, and saved me from decades of exhaustion. My favorite friends in the workplace where older divorced women because they did not give a fuck. I have witnessed too many woman get married for love, have kids, invest everything they have in the idea of picture perfect idyllic family. I imagine they feel like they are in an instapot unless they have the family, and resources to ensure that their needs are meet as well as their partner’s and children.

I want to be free, and often feel limited by my physical form. Especially, as a diabetic, or neurodivergent human. I am always at the doctor, taking my pills, checking my blood sugar, weighing/measuring myself, and obsessing over my flesh. Writing my maintenance down, and reading it is eerie. I am beyond joyful that I chose to go to graduate school, work in a field that is personally fulfilling to me, and found a nested partner who did not want to have kids. Wild to me how life works out, even if it does not feel that way at the time.

As someone who raised themself, their parents (not babies raising babies * gasp *), siblings, and 100s of youth I have had the privilege of working with, I have put in respectfully my fucking time. I fed my sister even when I had to stand on a chair, or the kitchen counter to feed us. I did our laundry, since I was in 4th or 5th grade, and helped pack for when we would visit our dad every other weekend. I bought my sisters iPads, hygiene products my parents did not get them, and paid for their cellphones (all while in college full-time, and working 20-40+ hours per week). I would not say I sacrificed because I am glad I did all those things because I know how to work hard. I have skills, and have been able to get positions/higher wages because my thousands of hours of work experience because I had more than one job working more than 40 hours a week from 2015-2019. I won’t take any of my hardships, or tough life lessons back because the pain/embarrassment/shame provides me with perspective. Life isn’t that big of deal, and do want you want without causing harm to others.

So how does all of this connect to the prompt of how I am going to implement the changes of spending less money, and having better sleep hygiene. I have made the executive decision to decline. I say to all my friends regarding money, “I am not having children, who am I saving it for?” As for the sleep hygiene I do like saying up late for RBP. I want to reclaim my pleasure, and time despite late-stage capitalism, ridiculous inflation, etc. There is nothing wrong with me not deciding to implement the lifestyle changes. Why do humans always have to be good, or try to be better? Why are we taught to feel we aren’t a whole person by ourselves, or worthy of unconditional love if we don’t have XYZ? Frankly, it’s silly, and feels like fake news. A manipulation so that the masses don’t feel empowered, are secure with the familiar, and comfortable. Being a companion is exciting, and bring variety to my life. I always wondered how I would find older partners, who are experienced in the carnal pleasures. My second therapist said if I was looking to settle down I should seek men in their late 30s and early 40s. I am not looking for a long term partner, I am searching for new electric experiences, and becoming more in tune with my body.

That is all for tonight, my eyes are getting heavy, and I still need to post my ad.

xx,