how do i unwind?
The prompt today is what do I do to unwind at the end of the week?
This question makes me uncomfy, because there are the activities that I say I will do at the end of the week versus how I actually spend my weekends. I will go to pilates, or take my dog to the dog park usually on Sundays. I would like to say that I do the laundry, and tidy up around the house. However, I have been traveling a lot, or tend to overpack my weekend with lots of fun stuff. Even on the week days I can be out at the strip club, going to a movie, a concert, or something exciting. Then my bathroom, and home become a trail of makeup, shoes, clothes, and then I can’t find anything. The amount of times I loose my phone is astronomical, and if I don’t take my Adderall yeah it’s over, hahaha.
Practical activities I like to do to unwind is get a pedicure, sweep/mop my floors, clean my bathroom, and nap. I am in bed all the time, and can live in bed. I am doing all the things all the time, or I am in my condo like a little filthy gremlin in the dark. I feel like I need to focus more on balance, which is a concept that I have always struggled with. I will overcorrect/compensate, or am so anxious I feel paralyzed. The feeling of being uncomfortable makes me want to run away, and hide. I am a runner, and always have been.
I was watching the Pamela Anderson documentary on Netflix, how much I relate to her is ridiculous. I want to live a romantic life everyday, but having such passionate ideals/expectations inherently sets you up for failure. She uses the term agape versus eros love. Eros is the passionate sexually exciting frenzy, and agape is a conscious commitment to being with a partner. I relate to those concepts heavily. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get passionately involved in someone, but for me it has always been exhausting, intense, and unsustainable. I knew that when I would meet someone I wanted to be with long-term that I wouldn’t feel the butterflies in my tummy. I do not want to feel like that because I am already all over the place feeling anxious constantly. My anxiety can be described like a rolling boil, steaming consistently. I know when I am attracted to a partner who excites me it is because I am eroticizing rejection. I mean there is the entire attachment theory that I seek partners that remind me of my parents. Or I seek partners that are emotionally unavailable because I know what to expect - not a lot of texting, intimacy, or growth on my end. Tbh being with someone emotionally unavailable is easier, less commitment, less pressure, can take my losses, and move on without any unrepairable damanage on my end. Plus the sex is good, and explosive.
I feel like it is a conscious effort to be partnered with someone, especially one you live with, it ends up being work inevitably. I have found that I enjoy the mundanity of everyday life with someone who loves me reciprocally. I cannot be with someone exciting, dangerous, and have explosive chemistry long term. I would not get anything done. I would be on edge. Explosive sexually relationships are fun in the short-term.
Back to watching the Pamela Anderson documentary, what a lovely human who was treated awfully by the media/public. When I was watching the documentary with my friends, I said this is why I don’t have children because I am crazy. My friend said that having kids would ground me. I have everything I ever wanted. I remain insatiable. I truly wish that I could be chill.
xoxo,