FUCK I AM SO SAD
Today’s prompt: Write about a situation where you had no choice but to go to a place or an event and ended up meeting someone important to your life.
Thinking about how to respond to this prompt took a little bit because my entire life I have had to do things I didn’t want to do because I felt like I had to either because
a) I wanted someone to like me
b) that the event/task was something everyone did
c) if I didn’t do them I was a bad person
and d) if I didn’t do it then it wouldn’t get done
Reflecting to my childhood, teenage years, and early adulthood I always had anxiety. I didn’t like to go to family parties. Large groups of people freaked me out, and I tend to latch onto the one person I know. My nose was always in a book, and I didn’t want to talk to people I didn’t feel comfortable with.
I didn’t know I was so shy until now. Even walking down the street, and smiling at someone I don’t know/saying hello freaks me out.
I was supposed to go to a concert yesterday, I had shrooms, and then got separated from my partner because I went with my high school best to see her cousin (my friend too) for the cousin’s birthday, and a bunch of her friends. I had really bad social anxiety, I felt like I had low blood sugar (I am a diabetic) but I checked my constant glucose monitor, my blood sugar was fine.
I know the shrooms had an impact on my emotions (of course!) but I was shaking, and left the pre-funk (which was at some industrial space for photo shoots + parties) to go home with my dog. I was crying in the uber, and had to try really hard not to cry in front of a bunch of people I didn’t know.
I did not know that I was so shy, and had social anxiety. I feel so embarrassed, and I hate taking up space. Fuck it’s so embarrassing. I did not know that I had low self-esteem and confidence. I hate asking for help, but I crave intimacy and feeling close with someone. I don’t know how to be by myself, or who I am without the important people in my life. I feel like there is something wrong with me and there is something missing. My negative self-talk takes over + I know that I should be speaking to myself the way I try to support others. I don’t know why I can’t love myself the way I love other people. I have my masters in social work, and have been working in social services since 2015.
I am so so lucky and I have everything I ever dreamed of but I am so fucking miserable and unhappy. I have been going through medication changes since April, I was hospitalized, and I have been in touch with my emotions lately. Even happy hopeful things make me sad. I saw Elemental, the pixar movie recently, and I cried the entire time. My medication changes have been elevating my emotions. I want to go off my medications so I know how I feel at baseline but I know that if I tell people that I will come off as a crazy person.
I am so exhausted. I don’t know what to do, and it’s hard for me to focus.
But back to the prompt ~ I would say going on my date with my current partner or any date I have been on for that matter I am glad I went. When I was younger I used to flake on people because I got so nervous (I didn’t go on my first date or kiss until I was 23). I am so glad I did because I wouldn’t be where I am today.
Hopefully, I will feel better after my appointment with my medication provider this week. No feeling is final + I am trying to remind myself of that. In the meantime I am going to lay on my couch + disassociate.
xx,