dream a little dream of me
Prompt of the day: When you were little, you dreamed of what you will be when you grew up. Did you achieve your dream? How? If not, what prevented you from pursuing it?
I was obsessed with the movie Legally Blonde as a child. I wanted to go to Harvard Law School like Elle Woods, and be a serious lawyer. Another fascination of mine was Gilmore Girls. I wanted to be just like Rory Gilmore, read books, and be a shy/mysterious femme. I wanted to travel, go to concerts, have fabulous clothes, and have an enriched life. I did not become a lawyer, and I am glad I did not become a lawyer. When I reflect on Elle Woods, Rory Gilmore, and any other fictional character I emulated it was thoughtful, funny, intelligent, and beautiful femmes who did what they wanted to despite the script society presented as “acceptable." I never wanted to be acceptable, I wanted to be myself, and march to the beat of my own drum. I did not want to work at Taco Bell, or McDonald’s like my biological mother. I did not want to get married, or have children. I never dreamt about what my wedding would be like. I dreamt of going to college, and being a sophisticated stylish human.
I did not go to an ivy league school. I only applied to 2 schools: University of Washington, and Gonzaga. Even though I did a fuckton of research - read the Princeton Review, and I really wanted to go to Scripps College of the Claremont Consortium. Part of Scripps’ application process was to write down all the books I read my junior/senior year of high school. I did not apply, and I cannot recall why. I wanted to be in a school with only femmes, I should’ve known I was fucking queer because I felt safe around other people like me. Males made me feel uncomfortable (especially until the age of 23), I could feel eyes grazing my body, and I finally feel comfortable being perceived as a sexual being. I have a better understanding of what I want, and the power I wield as a femme. Or maybe simply understanding myself more? Sometimes I have to look at pictures to remind me what I have done, and what I look like.
All of the aforementioned is besides the point, I ended up going to college, and getting lost in learning. I don’t know how I accomplished all of that. I registered for AP classes on my own, SAT scores, completed my college admission essays on my own, did all the extracurriculars I felt would get me into school (volunteering at a migrant worker camp in Skagit Valley, participating in journalism, packing humanitarian supplies, going to nurse camp, journalism, being tack manger, French club secretary, and being on a youth hospital council), did research on the FAFSA, paid all my registration fees, and deposit for my college housing. Some angel must have been looking out for me, because none of my parents went to school. My grandparents did but my parents - nada. I even moved out the month of my 18th birthday during my senior year, and then transferred schools after turkeyday.
As someone with diagnosed combined type ADHD, and suspected autism I don’t know how I survived high school, undergrad, and grad school while working multiple jobs, taking care of my family, and lived to tell the tale. I did not become a lawyer, but a profession very adjacent. I genuinely like my civie job, and I would do it for free because I feel like I am supporting my community.
Sort of ironic I became a companion because growing up Gigi, Sabrina (1954), Pamela Des Barres, Edie Sedgewick, Breakfast at Tiffanys , and the book, Mistresses a history of the other women, were all my favs. I wanted to live a bohemian life full of music, lovers, experiences, and the pursuit of knowledge. I am so glad I didn’t get caught up in believing that a family, and having children would make me feel like a whole human. I am a whole human on my own.
I could have become a lawyer, and I don’t know if that would have made me happy. I wanted a job that I could live, and breathe for like The West Wing, or the Newsroom. I have that, and being a companion. I am fascinated by the human experience, learning their stories, and what makes them tick. I can say confidently that I am living the life I have always wanted. All the things I wanted I have, and that’s why I give freely to others. Everything comes back in tenfolds when you do things so other living beings, and creatures can live a life of dignity. Hope everyone sleeps well tonight.
sweet dreams,