sitting in the dark

I am listening to, “Swim Good,” by Frank Ocean in the the dark. My dog is curled up on my feet, I am naked, high af from eating a sour patch kids edible, and the candles on my altar are lit. My platonic life partner asked me to buy a mega millions ticket for her and it is on my altar underneath Ganeesh. Her mom said Ganeesh is the god of overcoming obstacles. I put money and wishes under Ganesh because I want to overcome everything. If anyone deserves a break it would be her. She is the most empathetic human I know, and has not been dealt an easy hand in life. Oldest daughters run shit and that is the final verdict. I am lucky and everything works out. Atticus if you’re out there work some magic for your mom, she misses you deeply. Sometimes you need to be a delusional queen in order to make your dreams come true. Reflecting on the artists and iconoclasts who have influenced me, they have to be fucked up off their own kool-aid, and isn’t that the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over expecting the same result. Putting yourself out there used to scare me in some frameworks but now I feel I get it. The reason I am where I am today is because I am stubborn. I went to 13 schools before college, how I have a masters degree and able to maintain a full-time job is actually bonkers. Any who with me practicing, life and its tribulations is sticking with something until it occurs. I always think about that quote, “what would you achieve if you never thought you could fail.” It really sticks with me, I used to be scared of what people thought of me, or if I would succeed when it came to relationships. Now I have embraced being myself and not giving a fuck. Which takes way more confidence than it sounds like. I can’t believe sex/intimacy is that for me. Even now freshly off work, alone in my home, in the dark listening to music, after this blog with a novel I am looking forward to I am still thinking about sex. Is it an autism/adhd thing for sex to be my thing? Chasing the feelings, sounds, scent and visually in relation to me. I slept with a long time partner last night and he had 3 mirrors in his room. I loved watching him thrusting in and out of me, and my ass bouncing back. The human form is truly breathtaking. I am chasing new experience after new experience sexual or non-sexual. Being here on this physical plan feels limiting. I feel like an alien sometimes. Or maybe born during the wrong time period. I spoke with my platonic life partner aforementioned and she said that’s what it feels like to be autistic.