What worries me continued
I am still worried about the things I wrote about in my previous blog post (money, dying, and all the people I love leaving me).
Today’s prompt: I am supposed to focuse on words like “peace” or “happiness,” and make note of what throughout the day that make me feel happy, and peaceful. Hopefully, I will remember tomorrow all the things, people, and ideas that make me feel peace.
The Monday after Coachella I drove through the Mojave desert to see my platonic life partners. I love road trips. Road trips make me feel free because I have autonomy, and I can listen to whatever music I want. I can listen to any podcast I want. I listened to one of my favorite podcasts, The History Chicks, that provides deep dive biographies of women through history. I love a fucking deep dive. The episode I listened to was about the life, and legacy of Mary McLeod Bethune. I cried listening to how this human overcame instance and instance of adversity, never lost hope, and wanted to support those around her to be their best selves. Mary wanted everyone to be treated with dignity, and was relentless in achieving that goal. I HIGHLY recommend listening to her episode. I found the episode made me feel inspired to do whatever I want. I often get trapped in my head, anxieties, and day to day life. I forget that there are other people living drastically different lives. Does it make those who are different than me saintly, or vile? No, we are different people, and that is ok. I don’t need to understand the nuances of an individual's life in order to meet them where they are, and treat them with dignity.
I am realizing that I have really bad social anxiety. I never look anyone in the eye, ESPECIALLY men. I want to work on my social anxiety, which manifested when I saw Ali Wong in Vegas, and Stavros Halkias in Seattle. I should be laughing, and having fun. But I was too busy in my head worrying about what strangers I will never meet again think about me, that’s fucking ridiculous. I am learning to sit in the uncomfortable feelings, and investigate why those things freak me the fuck out. There are no mistakes in life, only experiences that you learn from.
xx,