What are you waiting for?

I have a close friend who is very creative and I enjoy witnessing their journey. I had an appointment with my psych nurse and they suggested I take an art class. The rest of the day I have been looking at various in person classes I could take and went down a google spiral. One of my queries was, “how to pick a hobby.”

More than 1 article said to recall what you enjoyed doing as a child. I don’t recall having a lot of fun as a child, and maybe that’s why I feel it is difficult for me to have fun as an adult. I do want to heal and to empty my brain out with all the anxious thoughts.

I used to write in a journal daily and have quite a few I have kept with me. I wrote a bit of poetry as well. I was on my high school journalism class. I stopped writing because a friend/devastatingly cringy crush who I was unhealthily intertwined with and I had a falling out. I stopped writing and being creative because we were not friends anymore. One of my biggest regrets in life.

This blog is the closest thing I have to what I used to practice as a young person. The idea of being seen and misunderstood makes me want to peel my skin off.

I am exhausted of being stuck in my anxious brain. Even with friends of 10+ years I am worried that I am bothering them or annoying them. I will fixate on a text message or exchange I had with a loved one and worry if what I said was wrong or if they even want me around.

I know I sound crazy but I work out frequently and have been consistently in therapy since 2016. I have my Masters in Social Work for goodness sake! I am sleeping, going to the doctor, and taking deep breaths. I know there is not a magical cure for trauma and how my brain operates. BUT I can feel how I am transforming and I am not as impulsive as I used to be. Chalk it up to my frontal lobe finally developing.

The idea of healing creatively or finding another way to express myself is appealing. In addition I need to leave my house more. I have been working from home for 3 years. I don’t really leave my house a lot and feel like I am not getting as much social interaction that i used to/is recommended? Or now how I am not used to interacting or being uncomfortable mentally or physically.

My creative friend said I can try multiple hobbies and I don’t need to commit to one indefinitely. I often forget that I have options.

I think I will play Lorcana and cuddle my dog in the meantime. Happy friday.

xx