Does anyone else fixate on things?

I tend to fixate or obsess over people, things, a tv show, etc. I feel when you have something to focus on or look forward to, can be motivating. For me it is the countdown to a concert/event, looking forward to feeling another body in a different way, or a new body (there’s nothing like a new body!!). Staying up late at night, underneath a blanket with a flashlight, burning the midnight oil to see what happens next in a book, reading until my eyes felt like heavy lead. Being still and/or present in my body is a challenge. My mind wanders. Depression is thinking about the past and anxiety is worrying about the future. What does it mean if I don’t have a favorite person or something to look forward to? Feeling empty, closing my eyes, imagining nothing but white space. But then still thinking of nothing which is still thinking of something. The only time I really feel mindfulness or being present in my body is when I’m A) sucking dick/having sex, B) going to mass, the repetition of mass is very meditative, or B) when I’m at Pilates (which makes sense as Pilates is a form of mind body exercise). Even right now I am in bed writing this blog post. Turning off the thoughts in my mind is a process. Maybe I should start writing my blogs before bed so I can empty my brain? Quiet the mind before I dream. I watched a TikTok that gave examples of life hacks. Two stood out to me. First, was listening to an album whenever you travel somewhere new. I found that very useful and reflected on soundtracks of trips or locations. I desperately still want to listen to music that is new to new. I read somewhere that as you get older you do not listen to new music, more so what you have been listening to historically. The idea of that makes me sad and despondent. Music has always been very therapeutic to me. The idea of not experiencing music that is moving or a new immersion is bleak. The second life hack was to write down every idea or thought. Which I feel does make sense. I want to write more even if it is just rambling thoughts. I used to write everyday before my high school crush stole that away from me. Or I would say it became too uncomfortable to do something we both loved. I’m glad nothing happened, it would’ve been an awful match. Goodnight xoxo